


Feelings

by lorcris



Category: Without a Trace
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:31:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3098306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorcris/pseuds/lorcris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a short D/M slash story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feelings

Martin

It was early morning last May and he was already in the office. He looked around to see the empty office before glancing at his watch, 05.25 am. He sighed. Well, it was still night. He did this before so he wasn’t surprised with his attitude. ‘Better work than someplace else’. Dropping his jacket on his chair he headed for the break room, got a package of Twinkies and made some coffee. One year ago he did the same... two years ago he did the same... three years ago he was fighting for his life. Every year, every damn May 25 the same nightmare came to him like an invisible clock, to remind him that he could mark this day on a calendar as his new birthday.

It wasn’t the only date he should mark at the calendar, in fact, there was another one he could consider still more important for him... April 22. Almost a year after that first day, his life changed for the better after living a hell for the whole year.

Secretly, he fought every day with an addiction that came to him as an innocent medication... painkillers for physical pain... painkillers to forget... painkillers to stop the nightmares... painkillers for simply living.

Alone in the break room, just with the silence as company, he wondered how it was possible that after so many times he hadn’t learned yet from that experience that there is only one chance for living, you are the only one responsible for your decisions and you have to live your own life and not the lives of others. He knew that, he got it after years and years of fighting and misunderstanding, he was an FBI agent through his own efforts, even though he had to recognize his father had influenced him about this, thinking naturally about another destiny for his son and now, he had an absurd feeling of discomfort for his boss, just because his boss was a brick wall blocking his father’s intentions, as his boss was responsible for his isolation... like he was invisible as an individual person, without a brain, without emotions, without interests in life, without the capacity to make his own decisions.

No, his father was wrong, it wasn’t his boss, it was him. He had reached a time in his life where he needed to take a breath... to take his own breath, he hadn’t any identity in his family background, his parents background, he felt like a project his parents had done and there was a moment that he hated them, feeling at the same time absolutely guilty about that feeling because he knew and it was true, they loved him.

So he felt the need to keep his distance, and he did.

For a while it worked well... for a while he thought it worked well... oh, how wrong he was, lying to himself day after day, denying the fact, denying the feelings, refusing himself... until now.

And so it was that every May, 25 since two years ago, he thought about it... at first he continued refusing the feeling... then he started to think seriously about it... now... he was scared.

If he was sincere with himself, he already knew. He remembered being at one of the innumerable parties his mother did for charitable causes, being introduced to the daughter of some important politician as his eyes stared at the young woman’s brother. He blushed at the embarrasing memory... he still kept fighting against it.

He even tried to convince himself that he was in love with a woman, first Katie when he was working in Seattle, then Sam... he actually loved her, but not the way he forced himself to. He couldn’t betray his feelings anymore when the man he loved was just there. It was unfair, he had only one life to be with the person he wanted, he had to try... but he hadn’t any idea about how to do it. So he kept suffering in silence his shameful feelings.

Another date on his personal calendar... September, 26, 2002. His first day at MPU, the day he met him, the day he knew he couldn’t escape his feelings.

Danny

He strechted his arm to the near table to pick up his wristwatch. He frowned as he read the numbers. Did he dream about the sound of the alarm? Yes, it could be, he wasn’t at home. He carefully removed the sheets trying not to disturb the sleeping of his ocasional partner, and got up. Trying to remember where the bathroom door was he guided himself to where he thought it should be, closed the door, and turned on the light. At 05.30 am, he knew he wouldn’t get anymore sleep.

He stood in front of the sink, eyes closed knowing that if he opened them he would have to confront… himself… and his ghost. He simply didn’t want to. He was there just because he didn’t want to think about anything, just looking for a fabricated affection, not real at all, but useful to keep him away for any feeling, any memory, any story from his past. It happened to him from time to time, he knew it was a mistake, he knew it was a false feeling but there were some days that he needed to be with someone and receive affection, have physical contact, he didn’t care if it was a woman or a man.

He grimaced in disgust as opened his eyes. Looking at the mirror he saw the face of a man in his thirties still looking for the stolen affection from his childhood. The affection from his mum, the affection from his dad, the affection and kindness of a family.

It was a long time before he realized he did this in certain circumstances, like a biological clock laughing at him that he couldn’t escape from his past, from his hidden feelings, from the lack of love. But this concrete day he couldn’t explain why he felt so alone, so in need of kindness, of affect, of physical contact. Oh yes, he could, obviously, but he couldn’t allowed himself to think about it. This was the day, three years ago, he realized that he could lose the only person he really cared about, the only person he really loved. This was the day he realized he couldn’t do anything but live a painful love, hiding his feelings, loving in silence and just satisfying his desperate need of affection lying to himself, inventing a fantasy where the woman or the man laying beside him, could fill the big emptiness of his soul.

Unable to stay there long, he turned on the tap and freshened up his face and hair before going back to the bedroom. He stared at the figure of the other man still asleep, still exhausted from the sexual encounter and any way he felt guilty, guilty for using him, guilty for being so selfish, guilty for lying to his true love, guilty for being so cowardly, stupid because he was only hurting himself.

He picked up his clothes, still where they had been dropped on his way to the bedroom from the entrance of the apartment, dressed quickly and just left the place. He didn’t want to go back home, he didn’t want to go to the office. He walked around without any specific destination in the cold of the night. Now he was alone and now he felt good. He had to think, he had to make a decision. But he was scared, scared of losing the only one he had learnt to love, just watching, just feeling the proximity, just noticing how the other man cared about him the same way he did… wanting to read love where surely it was only friendship. He needed that, he needed him, he couldn’t make a mistake and ruin the closest he had been to someone. He never was as close to anybody else that way. Stopping in his tracks, he remembered then… yes, he remembered the consequences of showing his feelings… then he was a naive 16 year-old-boy, in the search of love. Naive boy in that only matter, because he very soon learned that life wasn’t a fairy tale and well, he saw too many things to realize the street culture and the way of surviving. But affection was still his most urgent matter and he was involved with the wrong boy. He admired him at first, after he broke an arm and the boy fixed his dislocated bone in place. The warmth he saw in his blue eyes, left him shocked. Nobody had looked at him that way… except his mum… a long time ago. But he couldn’t afford that thought… he quickly forgot about his mum but couldn’t stop thinking about that boy. He spent all of the summer with him, playing basketball at the common zones, going to the places where guys usually met for listening to music or whatever it was… It was his quietest summer for years, he was happy beside him, he never felt forced to tell him anything about himself, about his family, about the place he lived. However, he was invited to his home several times, he met his parents and tried to push down the feeling he didn’t belong there, just thinking of staying with Will. Then he realized what happened to him and one day they were watching tv on his room, he had opened his heart, without any fear, sincerely, knowing that the affection of the other boy was real, that it was love, in his thoughts. It really was for him. That was the last time he talked to him. He saw him several times after that but Will never talked to him anymore, never cared about him anymore and he had to fight against his own feelings and learned for a long time how dangerous it was showing his feelings, how dangerous was falling in love. It was then he learnt that other way of satisfying his lack of affection for years.

Work

“Morning” – Jack said entering the bullpen.

“Have we got a new case?” – Sam asked.

“Yeah” – he said, putting a picture of a man on the whiteboard. “Jason McKenzie, 15. His parents reported his dissapearance this morning. They said he was at a school party last night and they had an argument after he got home later than his curfew.”

Vivian frowned. “Hey, Jack, do you think the boy is missing? I could tell you how many times Reggie has left after an argument like that…”

“Maybe, but his parents are oddly nervous, plus he’s Senator McKenzie’s son… so…”

“Oh, I understand. Do you think they are hiding any thing?” – she asked.

“I don’t know yet. Okay, I want you to interview classmates, friends, teachers, girlfriend…, here you have a list of the places he usually goes… I guess we’ll find him soon. Oh, Martin, you stay here and take a look to his computer… He’s writing one of those journals on internet…”

“Right” – Martin said, in relief for staying at the office. His first thought was that he felt like that because he was tired after the bad night he had passed, maybe Jack noticed the bags under his eyes… the last thought was a relief because he wouldn’t be close to Danny. He couldn’t fight with those feelings, not today.

Jack and Sam left the office for the school, as Vivian and Danny went to the places where Jason used to go after school.

A couple of hours later Jack and Sam came back with nothing special… good student, good classmate, polite boy with the usual problems of a teenager. Nobody could figure out why he had gone voluntarily. He never would do that to his parents, he had no reasons for it.

“Have you got anything, Martin?” – Jack asked.

“No, not yet. These entries are very general, Ty is working on the hidden entries, the ones that are only for certain friends. But…” – Martin finished with a hesitant thought.

“But?” – Sam inquired.

“I… I don’t know, it’s just a feeling… look at the design of the journal…, the colourings…, the style…”

Jack also examined attentively the journal and caught what Martin was insinuating. “Do you think he could be gay?”

“Oh, if his parents know that…” – Sam started.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t accept that their son is happy in a way they never expected” – Martin couldn’t help but talking almost for himself.

“Sure”- Jack muttered. “Go on with the search. Good observation”.

He left the bullpen to talk to the parents. He was going to try to know if they knew this possible aspect.

Sam remained looking at Martin, curiously. She knew him pretty well, she could almost say that there was something else behind those words.

“Are you okay?”- she asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just last night I didn’t sleep well”.

“Oh, yeah… Martin…”

“Uhm?” – he muttered, his eyes still on the screen.

“Martin, look at me” – she demanded.

He stopped reading, noticing the odd tone of his coworker. Was it that evident? he thought. He turned back trying to keep a neutral expression.

“What’s happening to you with this?” – she asked.

“Nothing”- he lied.

“No nothing, Martin. I know you… I know your feelings… I know why you said that” – she said trying to connect him, trying to make him to know it wasn’t anything wrong, make him to know he could trust her.

He didn’t know what to say. Not today. He sighed.

"You know what that boy thinks reading his journal, because it happened to you, didn’t it?”

 "Something like that” - he muttered as he blushed.

 “Why do you keep hiding it?” – she asked.

 “Are you kidding? Aren’t you the Sam Spade that wanted to hide our relationship from everybody?” – Martin couldn’t help but asked. “It’s not that easy, Sam”.

 She deserved that answer and she knew it. But far from feeling bad she just smiled in empathy. “I know what you’re trying to do, Martin, but as we already learned, that way only gets to ruin things, in this case, yourself”

 “I can’t do it” – he said.

 “You don’t have to do anything but live your live with the person you want… Is there any person you are in love with?”

 “Yes” – he looked down.

 “Okay, does he know?”

 “No… I… I’m not sure if he’s… No, Sam it’s not that easy, I don’t want to lose what I’ve already got”.

 “No way you lose him, Martin. You only can lose something that’s yours and you’ve just told me that he doesn’t know. If he says no, you’re free to look for some one else. Do you know about the population of New York city?. The world is great. Don’t waste your time!”

 “Yeah, maybe you’re right” – he said. “Please, don’t tell”.

 “I won’t, but talk to me, you know you can trust me” – she said squeezing his shoulder affectionally.

 “I… I guess… I lied to you…” – he started.

 “Maybe you’re lying to yourself, as well” – she said – “Forget it, it’s past”.

 “Thanks”

 “Is there anything you didn’t tell me?” – Jack asked the parents.

 “What do you mean?” – the mum asked genuinely confused.

 “I mean... did you have an argument with your son just because the time or...” – Jack started.

 “Look” – the father interrupted him, obviously nervous – “we have our rules with our sons. We are not so strict with them, just there are a certain rules we don’t allow to be skipped. That’s all. If you have children, you’ll understand”.

 “I don’t mind your rules, I only want to get back your son, and we have to know if there was any reason for run away, or if we have to work other options...”

 “What options?”

 “Kidnapp, for instance. But, we have been reading his journal”- Jack said. “I need you tell me exactly what that argument was about”.

 The wife looked at her husband with a desperating plea in her eyes. He looked down and rubbed his hands. After a brief moment, he spoke.

 “We didn’t tell you everything. It’s true that the argument started because he was late, but then... he got furious and exploded. He yelled at us what he had been doing and we... we just shocked... I... I recognize that I react the bad way... you have to understand me, he caught me in complete surprise... I’d never guess it could happen in my family... I talked very hard to him. He left the home so furious that I feared about him. I went out behind him but he just disappeared. I called all the friends we knew... this early morning we called the parents of that other boy he had been... they didn’t know anything and their son had left for school”

 “What’s his name?”

 “Mike Miranda, he’s in the same team Jason plays”

 Danny and Vivian had gone to the place where Jason trained to interview to the coach of the team Jason was part of.

 The group of guys listening to the explanations of the coach before start the warm-up. Vivian and Danny approached to the coach.

 “Morning. This is agent Johnson, he’s agent Taylor from FBI”

 The coach looked at them worried. “What happen?”

 “It’s about one of your boys” – Danny said pointing to the boys. “Jason McKenzie”

 “He’s missing” – Vivian said.

 “Oh, I don’t know what to say, he’s a good boy… what do you think it happened to him?”

 “We don’t know yet. What do you have to tell?”- Danny asked pretty serious.

 The coach frowned. “Hey, I don’t have anything to do with this. I don’t know him, well, I know him when he comes like the other boys”.

 “Don’t you think he could have in trouble? How is his relation with the other boys?”.

 “Excellent, he’s a good partner. Well, you can ask them… he’s a good friend”

 The warm-up had finished and some kids approached the bench as others of them just laid on the ground. But Danny was observing a boy staring at them with a strange expresion in his eyes.

 “I guess one of the boys in your team is Mike Miranda...” – Vivian started.

 “Viv… that boy…” – he started.

 At that moment the boy started to run away, as Danny and Vivian followed him. After some minutes they caught him. He boy was exhausted and very scared.

 “Hey, stop it. We’re not going to harm you. Why are you running away from us?” – Danny asked in a way Vivian had seen other times in her coworker.

 The boy stared at him still untrusting.

 “I’ll tell you again. We’re not going to harm you. We are from the FBI and we’re looking for a partner, can you help us?” – Danny said.

 “Uhm… I… don’t know where he is… now”

 “When was the last time you saw him?”

 “Last night. We went to a school party”.

 “Did you see him at the party. What happened there?”

 “Nothing”- the boy said nervously.

 “Did you see him later?”

 “What do you mean?”

 “Later, I mean, he left the party around one in the night…”

 “I… I don’t know, I left before…”

 “We can ask for it… Mike” – Danny said reading the name of the boy written on his t-shirt. “Is that your name... Mike Miranda?”

 That seemed to calm down the boy any way, or maybe was the soft and confident tone Danny used. Vivian remained just listening to them.

 “Yes” – the boy was in the verge of tears. “We… we went to the party, but we really,… we really had agreed to meet there for… going to another private place, I had found. We… we wanted to get to know each other…” – Mike looked down as blushed.

 “Okay, that’s right” – Danny said. “What happened next?”

 “Nothing, we’re late, Jason was scared about his parents, they are very strict with their rules… and he was right because this morning his father called mine”.

 “Really? Do you know what they talked about?”

 “No, I know it was him because my mum picked up the phone and told my father it was Jason’s dad. Then I left for school” – he said.

 “Did you see him later, I mean, once the party was finished?”

 “No, but he called me. He was very nervous, he told me his father had found out about us and he was going to run away”

 “Did he tell you what he was going to do, where he was going to go?”

 The boy shook his head. “He was very affected. I didn’t know what to tell him, I couldn’t leave with him, I couldn’t tell him to come at my home, it would be still worse... I... I’m sorry... I don’t know...”

 “Okay, Mike, you’ve helped us”

 “Are you going to find him?”

 “I hope so, I hope so”.

 The boy came back to the game as Vivian and Danny left the place.

 “What do you think?” – Danny asked.

 “We have to find him soon. He can be living a break down and God knows what he can do” – Vivian suggested. “The argument with the father was not only because of the time”.

 “Yeah. Could you figure out the impact of a teen boy, having to tell his strict father that he’s in love with another boy?” – he asked.

 “What do you mean?”

 “I’m not expecting a happy ending with this, Viv”- Danny’s voice broke a little bit.

 After Vivian called Jack to inform, she asked Danny, “What happens when a boy tells his parents he’s in love with another boy?”

 “It depends on the parents, Viv. If they are so strict as we suppose the McKenzies are and the boy goes beyond that wall, he could find himself in troubles if not, he could react against his love, or being sincere with himself and accept the fact as natural. It depends on the circumstances, the circle you move around in…”

 “And you know that because…” –she asked.

 “Oh, Viv, you know…”

 “No, I don’t know”.

 “It happened. There was a person who left me because he was ashamed of his own feelings…”

 “What happened with him?”

 “I don’t know. He just left”

 “And you?”

 “I learned to be more cautious and keep my mouth closed”- he smirked.

 She smiled to him. “I don’t know how I would react if Reggie told me he’s in love with a boy”.

 “Well, what would you prefer? Seing him happy, self-confident, in love with the person he wants?... Or do you want to see a frustrated, depressed, sad, confused and lonely son? Because that is what happened when you can’t be honest with your feelings, when your soul tells you one thing and you act another way just because you feel you’re a failure…”

 Vivian thought about it. “I want the best for my son, whatever it is” – she replied.

 At that moment Vivian’s cell started to ring.

 “What’s up, Jack?” – she said.

 “Police found a body two blocks from where you are. It looks like it’s Jason. Could you both go to identify him?”

 “Oh, no. Okay, we’re on our way” – She closed the phone and thought once again about what Danny had told her.

 After a positive identification, Vivian and Danny came back to the office. They all were silent, writing their reports, as Jack went with the parents to identify the corpse of their son. Feelings of confusion, rage, regretting, guilty consumed them after they were told his son had committed suicide after that argument with his parents, and argument that it wasn’t only about the time he came back home,... it was about love and affection, caring and understanding.

 Sam finished her report and with a slight smile said goodbye. Right in front of the elevator she turned back just to see Martin still reading the journals and she felt bad for him. Surely this case had affected him.

Vivian noticed his coworker’s eyes still glued to the screen, reading the journals and approached to him.

 “Let it go, Martin, it’s not worth, don’t torture yourself. He was dead before we received the call. We didn’t have any chance”- she said.

 “It’s so cruel” – he muttered.

 She didn’t know what to say noticing him so affected.

 “See you tomorrow, guys” – she said.

 “See you, Viv” – Danny said sadly.

 Both, Martin and Danny stayed at the office finishing their reports.

 After a while, as a sudden, Martin spoke. “I don’t understand why it is so difficult to accept the feelings of a son”

 Danny stopped his typing and looked at Martin in curiosity. “Are you talking for yourself?”- he asked softly.

 Martin sighed. “I’m tired of fighting this, Danny. I’m fighting against myself. My whole life is a mess. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know if what I want is what my father wants”.

 “This case has affected you. No, your life isn’t a mess, Martin, and you’re not your father. You’re a great person, it’s just you lived under strict rules for too much time”.

 “I’m 36 for God’s sake, Danny”

 “And they still think you’re a boy. You’re a good person, you love your parents and you know that because of their characters, you could hurt them a lot if you don’t do what they want. But it’s your life, Martin, sooner or later you have to deal with it...”

 “You don’t know how it feels that your parents are running your life without any respect for your opinion, as you were a body without soul or brain, to mold at taste… and at the same time loving you to death.”- Martin muttered.

 “No, I don’t know how it feels that someone loves me…” – Danny started.

 “I love you” – Martin interrupted him.

 Danny stopped, staring at him, not sure about what he had listened to, or the meaning of that. But Martin face, blushing in pure confusion and relief made him realize that he wasn’t wrong.

 “I loved you from the very first day I saw you” – Martin said then, and every word he said, he let go out a painful weight from his soul.

 Danny smiled sadly. “And you kept your love away from me for all this time?”

 “I didn’t know how you would react… I wasn’t sure about my feelings… well… I was… but… I was confused… you know…” Martin said.

 Both looked each other. Martin waiting for Danny saying something, Danny waiting for a regretful denial that didn’t come.

 “I guess I’ve been in love with you from the very first day I saw you” – Danny muttered. “But I kept away from that feeling for so long that I just was happy with our friendship… When you were shot, I realized that I couldn’t keep it that way but… I didn’t want to lose you. It happened to me a long time ago that I opened my heart to a boy I loved and he just abandoned me. I didn’t want that to happen to us… and you never showed…”

 At that moment, Jack approached to them. “Have you finished yet?”

 “I’m finishing, yes”- Danny said.

 “Oh, I’ve finished” – Martin said.

 “Okay, Martin would you mind coming to my office? There are some notes about Donovan’s case you took that I don’t understand”- Jack said.

 Martin frowned. Donovan’s case had been a complicated case a week ago. He didn’t know Jack was still working with it.

 “Oh, don’t worry” – Jack said noticing his expression – “It’s just a procedural question”.

 “Sure”- Martin, rose and left the bullpen, just glancing at Danny who looked at him with a smile on his face.

 When Martin came back, Danny had left. He cursed his bad luck, they couldn’t leave things like that. He sat down on his chair in frustration just to find a piece of paper over his keyboard.

 “See you at Starbucks... now”

 END

 

 


End file.
